


The one collander to rule all the sociopaths

by fanomy



Category: Sherlock (TV), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Fanomy, Multi, Thank my Beta it's not worse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-11 21:31:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3333602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanomy/pseuds/fanomy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt:  Sherlock "Dragon" Holmes is an inductive chef,famous for both his skills and temper. He DEDUCES what goes well with what, and fixes even seemingly irredeemable recipes. He refuses, on principle, to work with cheap ingredients, but that changes when a government- subsidized grocery, run by none other than John Hamish William Watson the ex-army veteran(code name- "Bilbo"), opens up across his three michelin star restaurant. But the course of true love (and good food) never runs smooth. There is JIm "the eye" Moriarty, rival chef and restaurant owner, who is trying to blackmail John into being his exclusive supplier. Add to the mix John's ex-army mate and previous crush Sebastian Theodore Moran (codename: "Thorin") who has apparently decided that John is his one true love, and tries to one-up Sherlock all the time. A casual observer (and irritating adviser) to this chaos is Mycroft Gandalf Holmes, who runs a bakery as a front for the British Secret Service, only trying to look after his little brother, and being called fat for all his trouble (hmph).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Piali Mondal](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Piali+Mondal).



 

John-

 

“You’re distracted.” Harry’s voice pulled John back from his reverie. 

John frowned a bit more, not quite pausing in his steps, but slowing down a bit. 

“Just thinking about the end of my career.” 

Harriet rolled her eyes at her brother’s melodrama and halted him mid-walk. She turned him towards her, the wind picking that moment to almost blow her hat away. 

“It’s been years! Your shoulder does not even hurt anymore, John Hamish William Watson!”

 Her eyes were blazing even as her left hand left his to help her right in securing her errant hat. 

John though.. he was not quite seeing who he was talking to, his mind was in better and worse times. The hand newly barren clutched into a fist that could not decide if it wanted to gesticulate, or dig into his Jacket.

 “I've ALWAYS wanted to be a fighter! A soldier! If it weren't for the bullet, I would have extended my service! N-” 

Before he could really go on a roll, Harry clutched his hand back. 

“Not finished it in therapy like a dickless wonder. We know, Bilbo.....” 

“Don't call me by that name!” John snapped, “You were not there, you haven’t earned the right!” 

“Would not have the bloody name if not for my kiddie babbles…” Groused Harry, but rapidly backpedalled as the infamous glare of her big brother was turned in its full force to her, “Ok, John...John, we know…. I know it’s not fair, But at least you're still in the reserves, And you chose what we’re doing now because it reminds you of your service, right? Helping people with poor rations eat better?” 

They embraced on the street for a bit, two rather short blonds, though one much more compact. 

“Yes, and now for location number three.” 

John said this with a smile, his burden set aside for now. Time had come to start a new chapter in his life. From soldier, to grocer. Hurray for government aid. 

 

Sherlock-

 

At the first ring, he took his mobile out, closing the door behind him. 

“Hey Dragon!” 

A smile snuck onto the face of the otherwise expressionless chef. Let not any one say that Sherlock “Dragon” Holmes was not fond enough of his only friend, but then.. 

“Yes, Bombur.” 

Why was he calling now, there must be- 

“We are running low on salmon, tarragon and quinoa.” 

Blood rushed to his face, and passers-by were starting to look at him funny. Not that he noticed, or cared.. well, if he had noticed he would have hammed it up a bit. 

“We JUST had a delivery!!” 

Mrs.Hudson tutted at his tone from her window. Why did he notice that? 

“Yes, but we also just had a theme party, remember?” 

What. In.The. Fiery. Hell?! He almost missed the bus because he was distracted, he needed to focus. 

“Yes, just how does ‘Mediterranean pirates’ translate to quinoa?” 

It was a good promotional party too. He got three catering orders from that, and at least four good reviews.

“Healthy alternative to rice..” 

Well, yeah, quinoa WAS great like that.. but he was not going to confess it to Bombur of all people. 

“... Whatever!” 

As his mood turned dark he was about to hang-up, and focus on the bus-ride.

“You know, there’s a new grocery next door. And I know for a fact it’s good quality.”

Finally, some good news! 

“How?” 

He remembered seeing the construction crew.. but was not that a government subsidised place? how good could it possibly be? 

“The owner is my mate from my army days.” 

Was not Bombur working for HIM!? 

“Were not you there for less than a month?” 

“Yes, but some people don’t take TWO YEARS to make a friend. You know what, never mind. Be an ungrateful sod. As you always are.” the line on the other side firmly clicked shut.

And apparently some people were pretentious enough to have “army mates” even when discharged one month after enrollment. On severe diarrhoea of all things, too. Sherlock snorted. 

After a few minutes of silent fuming, the bus chugged to a stop at his station. Well, Bombur hadn’t failed him yet.. there was surely no harm in looking….

 

 


	2. Chp 1: The villager and the Alka Seltzer.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock came to the store.. And the world unfolded from there.

Was the man trying to be victorian? It was like being in a grocery store before WW1 or something.

 

Sherlock never understood permanent forms of themes for businesses. Why, creating a brand was nice and all, but trying to add old world charm to a poor people shop was...rather unnecessary and cliche. Stupid sentiments. Amazingly, astonishingly, the produce was not just a step above pig food. The tomatoes were in so many colors AND smelled ripe, and just so. The bananas.. how on earth did a subsidised store get tree-ripened bananas? Honest-to-God, REAL ones! But! And it was a big one, the variety was too.. pedantic, and pertained to popularist ‘health food’. He was surprised to find wheat flour, did not the guy worry his cheap yuppy customers would forsake him for a more-froufrou one?

 

Meanwhile, the Burly blond at the counter was having a loud, abrasive argument with a person he knew and detested well.

“Miss Donovan, please.”

The man was at his wit’s end, obviously this was going on for some time.

“Don’t you Miss me! I need saffron, olives, and **GARLIC** for the fancy bread!”

The man switched to his other arm in massaging his temple. The woman, Braindead Harpy as he called her in his head ever since she had said he was a know-it-all when he had just tried to help her not ruin his brother’s award-winning croissants, just tilted her head, as if it was supposed to impress anyone. 

“I understand, but if you combine these and tell people I recommended this I will lose credibility!”

Oh, this was an interesting one.. Did he actually know something?. Bombur must have been on to something after all.

“Why! It’s all the same fancy shite!”

That was it. Sherlock had had enough of this man’s misplaced chivalry. He cleared his throat

“Now, Now, Sally.-”

The man, Sherlock really wanted to know his name now, looked grateful.

“Stay out of this, FREAK! Just because you’re the boss’ brother doesn't mean you get to throw useless **vocabulary** at me!”

 Moron. Why did he ever tried to be nice to her? She had not even figured out he _knows_ yet.

 “What about the fact that you’re trying to destroy my recipe? I spent days working on that focaccia as a five year anniversary for my brother.”

 “Anniversary?”

“Daniel Holmes.. his husband of six years? My mentor since age five? The only man he has eyes for?..”

The blush on her face.. If he cared any more about her in any way, He would use it to keep himself  warm at night. As it was, it was only a momentary satisfaction.

“Well, now that we have established that I do, in fact, have a say here, why not you listen to both individuals who are trying to help you save face with your boss!”

As he said this, he leaned in. So she jumped back, smouldering about the cheap emotional manipulation.

The blond man turned to him.

“Amazing, I’ve eaten that! you made it? Are you trained?”

Not very perceptive.. But maybe that the Harpy-Stress talking..

Sherlock looked at the out reaching hand, considering..

“Yes, To all, Sherlock.. though, my friends call me-”

He was rudely interrupted by the harpy.

“-the Dragon. And it’s not your friends who call you that. You have no friends.”

“Shows what you know, again.”

A smirking John interrupted what would have indubitably turned into a magnificent cat-fight. Very entertaining, but not very dignified, and he did not want someone who could be a great ally be remembered in such a way.

“Dragon, I think you have sufficiently proved your queen bee status, do let go.”

Then he turned to Sally Donovan.

“As for you, he really did.”

A disgruntled Donovan left with her groceries. While Sherlock basked in unacknowledged schadenfreude, he was approached and grabbed by an ecstatic, chattering(though that seemed uncharacteristic.) blonde, whose appearance was cemented in his mind with one glance or two. He was gay, otherwise he would have felt more than aesthetic appreciation.

“Oh, THANK YOU, I have known that woman for two days, and that’s three too many!”

The blond, who still had not introduced himself, scowled momentarily.

“Harry, I am trying to make a friend out of a momentary ally against Lousy Donovan.”

Sherlock immediately grinned.

“I believe you just did, I will certainly have to remember that one.”

Harry just raised a brow.

“And yet, does he even know your name?”

At this Sherlock turned to smirk at him with a raised brow himself.

“I have been constantly interrupted!”He momentarily face-palmed.

“John Watson, you can call me Bilbo.”

At this Harry just..

“What!?!, You will let him call you that? I am the one who gave that name and I don’t get to.”

Sherlock was impressed by the blush on both of them. John was obviously thinking fast, and Harry.. she seemed heartbroken.

“While I may have had a momentary brain-fart before,”

Sure you are not having one now?

”I happen to know exactly who made that recipe. And it is not the bakery-owner”

_Mycroft, you are not my father, stop taking ownership of my achievements._

Sherlock thought with an affable irritation. Although, it HAD been actually a gift to him.. very well.

” **And** , he just made my life much easier. While he did not just try to die for me,”

Oh.. that big a qualifier for a simple nickname? No wonder she was pissed.

”he could possibly be a monumental presence in my life.”

Did that mean what he thought it meant?

Her eyes just boggled, looking between them.

“Well, I guess I can understand.”

She looked down at herself.

“Well, I guess I’ll better get back to cleaning the Loo.”

Sherlock took a look at the place on his arm where Harry had grabbed him earlier, and nearly vomited. It was wet.

 

***

 

Sherlock the Dragon chef stormed into his kitchen. Bombur looked up, nonplussed.

“Why are you in a wifebeater? Are you going to cook today? I thought you have meetings?”

A momentary sick look crossed Dragons face.

“Don’t ask. No, just came in to look at the business calendar, see if there is anything to renew along with our grocery list.”

As he said this, His shadow fell over the kitchen, sending a shiver down the spines of the peasants. He crossed the kitchen, leaving the new sous-chef to his remanitions.

In his office, he checked his system, yes two more vegetables needed to be reordered. There were two crates of yogurt that needed to be tossed. And the time had come to revamp the menu again.. all said, not that bad.

Well, it was time to meet two affianced couples. Sherlock wondered, though, why were most of the couples who came to him were gay? Did that mean he was very stylish? Or did he seem heterophobic? Well, maybe it was for the simple fact that all of them knew him from their friends’ weddings. Yes, that must be it,  Sherlock mused, _or maybe Daniel is advertising me to his friends again. Never mind, what is, is._

***

At the _Morning’s Pleasure_ , two men sat  absently munching falafels, dipping them occasionally in tahini. One with coffee, one with tea.

“You heard him as soundly as I did. If you want your friend to be your,well, more, you need to make a move.”

The stocky but handsomely bearded man narrowed his eyes.

“What will you get by helping me?”

The brunet gave a nasty smirk, wiping at an invisible smudge on his lips.

“I simply happen to hate Sherlock. He back-stabbed me in school.”

The original speaker raised a brow.

“School?”

“Cordon bleu. He nearly had me expelled. Nearly ended my career before it had begun.”

The other man looked a bit wary now.

“ **How**?”

He turned to the falafels now, the dip finished.

“Private.”

A snap, sharp. Maybe Thorin would check for himself. If it ever mattered.

“Well, Moriarty? Don’t you have errands? Don't worry, I will be your little scapegoat, for now.”

Moriarty stood, fuming, but he had what he wanted, and that would do.

***

Sally was _fuming_. She tossed the last of the bags onto the table.

“May I know what the table, or are they the groceries, ever did to you?”

Mycroft quirked his lips a bit, but not much- one would have to pay attention to spot the difference.

“Nothing, sir.”

He heaved a sigh, the girl had diplomatic training..

“Do try to remember, Sally. It is not the man’s fault for doing his job.”

Sally turned to him, just this side of fury, and only because he was her boss.

“Oh, he’s just being a sexist pig!”

Mycroft pooled a stool, sat and slapped his thighs. Like a teen waiting for a tail.

“Oh, Storytime.”

Sally stood there, very not impressed.

“Really, the head of homebase-defence of MI5 and liaison officer of **many** divisions, government  & military.. Going: Story. Time.”

Mycroft turned from weirdly goofy, to dead eyed serious.

“If I were to take you seriously, I would charge you for slander.”

Sally tried to backpedal.

“I wasn’t talking about your baby brother.”

Mycroft blinked, once.

“What has Sherlock got to.. Like I said..”

With her arms flailing, Sally began to salvage the conversation.

“Come on, YOU got the dossier on Watson! … Yeah.. That whole ran-a-shelter-in-college doesn’t let that fly, right?

Mycroft smirked. Then lost all expression.

“Do you feel you were looked over because of your gender?”

And here’s the rub, she wasn’t. And she knew it. She got a huge opportunity just by getting here.

“No.. I guess I like to feel sorry for myself.”

He quirked a smile.

“On your own time please. On the company time we have a country to keep safe.”

And she told him.. He did not laugh.. Did not show signs he wanted to.. But she could not help suspecting he DID..

 


	3. Open for BETA

Big apologies to anyone who cares.. My previous beta and I had philosophical differences, Namely both of us believe in the advocation for an egalitarian society. My beta was a feminist, I am an Anti-feminist.

If you wish for me to elaborate on the reasons for my stance I'll be happy to Email them. This, however I do not believe to be the forum. 

However, that much had to be said since I wish to have another beta, and It will affect how I make my characters. I make interesting female characters because I give them actual flaws and actual struggle. Also, I don't casually make an evil man. There will be reasons.

So.. Do you wanna be my beta?


End file.
